13UPDATE: Thought Catalog published my article here! Check it out or just read my original below 🙂

I read “13 Things a Woman Can Do To Be More Attractive To Men” by John Smith on Thought Catalog  and I thought I’d just dumb it down a little bit more so that women could really understand what he’s saying. I’m really happy that I can start attracting men now.

1. Stay in Shape

Your only value as a person and as an object of sexual desire is how HAWT you look. So get sexy at the gym or be a sad-sack cat lady until you diiiiiie.

2. Lay off Body Modification

Men like women who are NATURALLY PERFECT. And clearly all men have the SAME EXACT PREFERENCES for body features that they appreciate seeing on a WOMAN who is a HUMAN BEING that exists FOR THE EXPLICIT PURPOSES OF PLEASING MEN. Because that’s the reason we ladies do our hair, get tattoos, and exist on this Earth: to get men. Amiriiiight, ladies?

3. Make Your Own Money

So, men like us ladies to look perfect NATURALLY and have the bodies of hollywood stars without the hollywood star budget or plastic surgeons. Gauntlet thrown, fellas! I ROB BANKS AND KIDNAP BABIES FOR MONEY. ARE WE THE PERFECT PAIRING? Oh wait, does it matter if I’m a good person with moral values who is compassionate for others? No? GREAT. Excuse me while I go participate in a local village stoning of a lady who didn’t please her man. I’m gonna throw some stones and pickpocket some of the spectators!

4. Be Feminine

“Men want WOMEN, not men with vaginas”. The original article speaks for itself. All men are the same and all men want a doormat to shit on! Yay!

5. Be Submissive

Don’t have your own life or freewill. That’s ridiculous! You should exist for the pleasure of your man! That’s how you get a man! DUH! Enjoy the daily beatings, ladies! He’s showing you his LOVE by beating you to a bloody pulp! Awww, how romantic. I wish I could have no self-worth and demean myself. Too bad I view myself as a human being with rights.

6. Sex Life

Men love a lady who has had a crapload of sex with ONLY ONE MAN BEFORE. Duh. Don’t be the Virgin Mary. Just be a lady that men can fuck and leave without feeling guilty or nervous that they will get an STD. How hard is that one to get? Don’t worry. Men can’t give YOU an STD.

7. Be Intelligent

So long as your education does not prevent you from seeing the stupidity in being feminine, submissive, and staying in perfect shape FOR YOUR MAN because he’s told you that that’s the only way to attract him, go ahead and get a piece of paper from some college. That’s  cute.

8. Be Childfree

Children prevent you from being the perfect SEX-TOY for a man! Why on Earth would you have them? If you had a child that was made by you and a previous man, you may have thought you were fulfilling the conditions of #5, sex life, but you were really just fucking everything up by making another beautiful human life. Clearly, the man who helped make that child has no responsibility for it. So, pony up and go be a single mom FOREVER.

9. Be Willing to Cook at Least Three Times a Week

Men are incapable of doing basic tasks for themselves. They need a lady who can care for them like a nurse at a retirement home. All men. Yup. They are all the same. 

10. Put Down the Phone

Only women have cell phone addictions. GOD, what a turn off. When a man is on his phone it is for business and sports only. Sports are business. No men have Candy Crush addictions. I’ve never seen a man on his phone in a public place. Nope, only women have this DISEASE.

11. Ease Up on the Makeup

Remember #2: Look perfect naturally!

12. Stop Cussing

What the hell would Great Aunt Bertha say? For fuck’s sake, it’s so unattractive when women won’t stop fucking swearing. Seriously. Shut the fuck up, ladies. No one wants to hear you say anything. It’s not like men are listening for content. They just want to listen to a melodic soprano. You’re an alto? Well, you’re fucked. Get the fuck out of here!

13. Stop Hoarding Guy Friends

We’ve previously established that you are only valuable as an object for sex and that’s the only reason a man would EVER be a friend with you, so don’t have guy friend, please. You’re sending the wrong message.

Remember: Virgin Mary, but not!

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